GET OFF ME

Quiet time. I sit here at the end of a long day, filled with happiness, memories and cheer. Had my family close and near. Cooked a feast, ate too much, laughed a lot, and wandered aimlessly in my thoughts. Its Christmas time and with it drawing to a close, I look around the corners of my life, peering into the dark and scary, lingering over the warm, sweet times that are worth sharing. Sometimes life clips along like gentle rolling hills. You accomplish goals, meet new people and generally enjoy the journey. This year, I scaled the entire Rocky Mountain Range. I went to heights so close to the Stars, I could bask in their warmth. I went to such lows, I could feel the bleak,the dark and scary unknown. This year brought me closer to my Brother, in ways I never expected. It brought sadness so deep, there is no well deep enough to fill, and fear so sharp, no blade could compare. There was joy so intense that words cannot describe, and an ache that will never,never subside. Its been one hel

There is a song out, called " As good Once As I Ever Was" Its by Toby Keith. Its a good song, but it doesn't even come close to my life. I was never good once, so how I ask, can I be as good once as I ever was, if I never was good once? Confused? Me too. I am a sassy, mouthy( and yes, it gets me into trouble occasionally) Woman, that just dosen't give a shit what ppl think in the first place, so I have this tendency to say what I think, when I think it. Get Off Me, being a case in point. I have really low blood pressure because of this, so I am healthy due to this fact of my nature. I married a man 25 years and one Month my senior. Some of you out ther wonder why, and some of you are wemon, and you have met my husband, and you don't have to wonder, you know. Now, if you are reading this drivel on a regular basis( you know you are, how could you get by with out your Queenie fix!) then you know that I recently turned thirty. Therefore, if you are not a prodigy

Camping is one of the things you do for your peice of mind. It allows you to commune with nature, live a simpler life, if even for a few days, and still bring all the "can't live without items" with you. Queenie loaded up the wagon with enough items to see her thru a month of camping, made sure all the bases were covered for the next three days, grabbed several friends, and rolled out at the crack of early into the great open spaces. What the hell was I thinking?! The wagon rolled down the path without any problems. Lucy was given drugs to ensure that no retching occurred while traveling, and plenty of rations were around for the two hour trip to the camp site. We had the wheeler, and the Camper and plenty of back-up. We did not pay close enough attention to the forecast. LOL The first sign of trouble occurred just 2 miles from the site. Lucy puked. Poor dog. She was doing so well, and then, fate intervened. Luckily, I had planned for just such a circumstance. Had towel

Queenie is now the ripe age( No! I dont stink!) of thirty. Some of my friends and family are curious to know just how I survived this long....sheer will! I find some interesting things go along with the age. I am now considered an adult. Weather I like it or not, and weather I behave like one or not. Perception is the key. There is some kind of magic involved with this particular number when applied to a person. If you are twenty-nine, you are still irresponsible. IF you are thirty, you are taken seriously, how scary is that? I can't even take myself serious, and now there are other people in the world who will, no matter what. Just becasue I had "the birthday" I love my birthday. Its like a present to yourself. You wake up, and blam, you are another age. Its like taking a pill, and suffering the side effects for a year! Everything changes. Plus, its an excuse to make people buy you things out of guilt, and they acually ask you what you want. This was so much easier w

Wagons are sometimes not worth the trouble. Take mine for instance. I picked up my plush ride about two years ago, finally upgrading! Good wheels, good horses, but not the most stylish ride for Queenie. Next came a jeep. I loved it with a sick passion that comes from finally getting into a ride that expresses my personality, and okay, it was cuter than a speckled pup under a red wagon. I had it for two years. It had a lift on it( which I enjoyed even if It could make winter driving a bit tricky!) and it was two toned in color, which added a certain flavor to the overall look and feel. Soon, it was obvious to me, mostly b/c of my Husbands constant reminders and harping, that I needed to upgrade once again to something a bit bigger, sturdier and with more room for our beloved crazy friends. They like to go places with us, and I wanted to take them, but the Jeep was a little cramped for more than 2 people. Not to mention, leg room was severely lacking. A bit like riding a tricycle

She talks. She uses the bathroom. She drinks tea. She likes coffee. She talks back. She has run the mules ragged, and they are on Strike. They refuse to be anywhere near her. She pouts. I plead. Steve chases her with a wild look in his eyes. We have tried water: hoses,spray bottles,taps,glasses, and even sprayers. NO DICE! We have tried yelling. loud,low,long,often,quiet,sincerely,insanely,shreikingly. NO DICE! We have pleaded,cajoled,questioned,argued,demonstrated,hollered, and ignored. NO DICE! For any one out there who ever said I should have kids...may a pox rain on your head! Quite Frankly, A Puppy is plenty!! Lucy is insane. She chases the cat, holds court with the Mules, stalks birds, eats everything she can( rocks, wood, rugs, grass, leaves, fur, cats, mice, hoot owls) and is not afraid of any thing on this earth, with the exception of two words.... " BAD LUCY!" But then she forgets whatever is was she did wrong, and here we go again...... Lucy(short for Lucifer!

Packed up the Wagon, lubed the wheels, and tore outta here for three days. Ended up going thru some remarkable country( the Big Horns) and some butt numbing country( rest of Wyoming to Colorado!) My Hubby and I went to pick up a Sex Locker(uh, Camper. Camper!) that we bought( on ebay...sorta) and it had the misfortune of being in Kansas! Crap! So off we went over the hill, tore thru grannys house, plauged the rest of Wyoming, and hit Denver traffic, smog, and crazies at about noon the first day. I spewed soda on the dash, rutted out in a few places, and flattened my butt more than I have in a long time on that buck board! I pulled out the splinters, shored up my ass, and pushed on toward Johnson City Kansas. I rode thru hills that looked like boobs, and wheat and corn fields that resembled, well, by this time, Queenie's Butt! All for a 17 foot gooseneck ( sex locker) so I could go camping without being the main course for misqutios! Well, ended up being worth it. I will neve

Puppies are the greatest invention in the Universe. Until you have to take care of one... I picked up a pup for my Husband, something to lift his Soul, brighten his days, and generally keep him busy after his hectic stint in Iraq. I think he prefers Iraq at this juncture. LOL! Her name is Lucy Lou( He named her!) and she is gorgeous!! She is 7 weeks, and three days old. Which means she is still wearing diapers in human terms. Now if only I could get her to stand still long enough to strap one on her! She goes 4 million three hundred miles an hour and that is when she is tired! Who decided that puppies had to have qualities of terrible two year olds??!! She is an Austrailian Sheperd. And she is remarkable looking! She has a stripe( kind of like you would find on a skunk!) down her face, and lovley spots all over....think livered. She is very smart, and has more energy than any dog I have ever seen. I think Steve is exhausted just trying to keep up with her. The mules are dealing

The Mules are on Strike! I can't blame them. They have decided that puddle( more like lake!) jumping is just a little more work than they signed on for. Dumb Animals you say? I acually think they grew some brain cells for a change. Although, I must confess to a little trepedation on my part. Last nite I saw them over at the barn nosin' around with the chickens, the goat, the dogs, one cat,two mice,and some soul chickens! Boy, that got me to thinkin'.....are they loading up for a trip? So I got my trusty lantern, slipped on my sneakin' shoes, and headed out to see what I could find out. Sure enough....there in the barn was the biggest boat I have ever seen! And to my shocked surprise, there they were....loading up two by two! Its Armaggeddon! "The end is near!", one little mouse chanted...Crap! I am gonna have to get a recipe for jackass stew! Thats it. I know they are behind this... My Wagon is stuck in the mud, my mules have slipped off the deep en

Pondering the amazing results of my arrival home in one piece( well, two including MOM!) as well as safe and sound. Do any of you ever wonder how our Gaurdian Angels make it thru all of our adventures? I Do! I picture them asking for vacations and transfers something like this.... (To Saint Peter) I think..." Man, I gotta have a vacation from Queenie...she is nuts. Nice, but insane. I can't take her anymore..her sheer mental processes are molting my wings!" (Saint Peter to Angel) " You Wuss! Get out there and do your job! That woman needs more help than any case we got. You are going to have to stick it out for at least another several hundred years before I will consider a vacation. Go forth, and hang onto your feathers. And stop Molting on my robes!" (aside to GOD) " He will never make it. He's going to end up as chicken droppings.... (GOD to Saint Peter) " Who is he watching over my Loyal Diciple?" (Saint Peter) " Queenie.&quo

I'll begin by apologizing... Why pratel? Queenie isn't writing this so I'm afraid the adventures of cydermocle and queenies wagon will be a bit tamer this time. Instead the golden child (yes, mE!) is hornin' in on this action to give you all an update. Momma saw the sawbonez(tm) on Monday and will be going in for diags on Wednesday. So if you all can muster some good thoughts I'm sure they'll be appreciated and felt. With a bit of luck Queenie, her wagon, and momma will soon be back at the homestead hoopin' and hollerin' like always.

There I was. Sitting in the living room, stroking the woofers, hanging out contemplating my naval lint, minding my own business, when a huge crash was heard! I checked my pants, jumped up in a flurry of terror, clutched at the dogs, and maimed the cat, who was now happily residing on the ceiling fan. No, I do not make this up. The noise was a woman riding a cydermocle( no, its not a broom guys!) She came charging forward at mock eighty with her hair on fire, and this crazy gleam in her eyes! I crawled under the dog. I didn't fit. Damn it! I stood up to face the nightmare that was about to reign down on my head. Furniture Moving! Now, I am a Woman( at least in theory) and even I fail to understand why a perfectly good arrangement of furniture must be moved with the regularity of a Fiber dose! WTF is wrong with leaving it where you put it? I can't figure that out. I don't even want to, if I did I might get sucked into the Phycosis. The couch went one way, the cat fell

This makes me laugh; insanely!,gives a nod to the incredible opportunities some of us missed out on when we were children, and just plain suits my sick sense of humor! Simple Pleasures are often the best, but add some warped-ness, and its just the best!

Well! I've got the Wagon all lubed up, the mules are fed, watered, cussed at and rearing to go! This Sunday we head out on a cross country trip to the BIG CITY! Should be full of craziness and hesterical acts of comedy....if not, were not doing it right! The weather report is talking about snow, and Sunday being the worst day of all, which is just typical of any outing I go on, planned or not. Figures! Mom and I are headed to see the sawbones and find out what lies in store. Should have some fun visiting the Brother, and might get to go shopping if the mules don't crap out too soon! Got a room at the local trail's end, so we wont have to camp jack it. Whew! Hate doing that in bad weather, so works for me. The Husband is still toiling away in the "Land of Sand" and its getting hotter by the second! Suprised it dosent just melt right off the face of the earth! Forget scuds, just don't send any rain! LOL! Spirits are high, moral is good, and we have p

Ever have one of those days where Murphy is perched on your shoulder from the moment you wake up? You know what I mean. You get up, you have to run for the bathroom like a horse that came in last, you can't find the Tea you like , or you run out? The phone rings too early( never call anyone without written permission in blood before 9am!) and you can't assimilate if the caller is a real call, or some stupid telamarketer that you can ignore? So you hang up and your best friend calls back to tell you what a jerk you are? You stub your toe on the end of the bed, cuss like a Cat that just had braces put on? You find your favorite slippers in the dogs bowl( you don't even want to know how that happened!) You go to get a drink of water and spill it down your front? You step outside and your newly erected, super whiz bang, cost a small fortune, and no you didn't keep the receipt!, gazeebo is smooshed like a peice of gum under a shoe made of concrete, on a hot day in July

Just thought I would take a moment to let ya'll know that the much needed and eagerly awaited M&M's arrived the other day. NO! They did not melt. So all is right with the world. Sanity has returned to the land of sand. Temperatures are now in the stratusphere of hot, and its been like working on the face of the sun. The M&M's are being kept in the icebox for a good reason. I have nothing else to talk about. Slow news week. Dissapointing, or a relief, depending on how you feel about the rest of the crap posted here. My Wagon needs an oil change, and probably a lube. Or I could just feed that damn Mule! Anyway, my best to all of my Diciples. Better stories in the near future...I hope!

Hitch up the Wagons, pack up the mules and lets head out on another adventure! So I am just hanging out checking my rearview for moving objects today, and low and behold!, something jumps out in my line of sight. Crap! So enough about my driving, on to other trails. Has anyone else ever gone dumpster diving? Come on, I know I am not alone in this sport. See, that's how I view it. My mother likes to call it recycling, and Salvaging. I call it what it is...dumpster diving! Now, to truly apprecieate this particular sport, you have to know the rules. Rule # 1. Scoping out the treasure! This is usually done on the sly, in broad daylight. I don't necessarily go looking for this stuff( get off me, I DON"T!) but I seem to have some kind of genetic homing beacon built in that causes me to have to stop and look. So I see what I want, this time its a dresser. One of those kids type ones that is just the perfect size to hold more cracked treasures than any reasonable person s

So I was out roaming the streets here, and let me tell you, its tourist season( does that mean I get to buy a tag?) Anyhow, I am out trolling( checking out the new influx of ignorants!) and I begin to notice a trend....Plastic Wemon! WTF? Let me tell you what I envision some poor guy going thru after meeting one of these synthetic chicks at the bar. To preface this upcoming scenario, let me just say, if you lived here, you would not think I was being presumptous in what happens next. I imagine they go back to the local Motel, and get better aquainted( yes, in the biblical sense, these people are on vacation!) They get going, and the next am this poor piegon awakes expecting to see the slightly sleep blurred version of that heavenly looking Dame he took(home) last nite. Instead, he finds a nightmare staring him in the face! Hanging drunkenly from the foot of the bed, bright red, and lustrous, but unattached to anything resembling a head is a hank of hair, still styled in the manner

Oh, The Land of Sand is a Mighty Land, A Mighty Land! You can see the Sun from miles away, away. Cause its on your ass all the live long day...! Oh, The Land of Sand is a Mighty Land, a Mighty Land! Where the bullets rip, and the Camels spit! Its A Mighty Land of Sand! I miss my Family, I miss my Home, I miss air conditioning, long hot showers, and beds not made of foam! Oh The Mighty Land of Sand, The Mighty Land of Sand! I miss my dog, and the rolling in of Fog! I miss my house, I miss getting soused! Oh, The Land of Sand! Its a Mighty Land! I miss fabric softner, and dryer sheets, I am tired of using sandpaper to shave, and I wish these people would just behave! I had lobster for dinner four nights this week, and if it wasn't rubber, my criteria it would meet! Oh,The Land of Sand! Oh, The Land of Sand! I'd go shopping, but I hate base hopping! I'd carry a gun, but I dont have too, cause the locals, they are on the run! I'd go dancing, act stupid and be prancing, bu

Spring had Sprung! Its the time of renewal, rebirth, and just regular birth! The Weather is warm, the animals are frolicking, and color is bursting forth wherever you look. Along with this comes warm weather( and for some, allergies...Sorry!) and time change. ICK! I hate that part. I just got used to the last one. Now I will spend the next several weeks not knowing weather I am coming, going or just insane( no comments about that please). I love Spring, maninly cause Summer! Follows, but I could really do without having to learn a new routine along with the time of day or night. Can't we just leave anything alone?! Apparently not. So I will lolly gag about the bed until it feels like its about 8am, and then I will look at the clock, realize that it is already 9am! and leap up as though on fire, rush thru my shower, make crappy coffee, burn my toast, and slosh the damn liquid all over the place in an effort to hurry. This is exactly the kind of way everyone should begin th

I came to a screeching halt in the front yard. I narrowly missed the mailbox, the planter full of ickies, and the fence. Bessie had done it again. Yep. She bucked me right off! I did what any Cowgirl worth her salt would. I cussed like a sailor, rubbed the part of my anatomy that hurt the worst(not my pride) and pouted that there was no man around to drive the beast for me. I left Bessie cooling her heels among the ickies( eating them most likely) and lurched my sore butt into the house. I needed pain releiver, and the bottle of Beam was handiest. I had just gotten the ice where it was most needed(the glass) and sat my aching butt down when the damn phone rang! The phone was ringing...but in a funny kind of way. Demanding. Barking almost. Wait a minute...Could that be? Dare I hope? GOD? Is that you? Nope. HE would already know about my sore butt, and would have pity. It was Iraq Calling! I swerved into on-coming traffic, narrowly missed the dog, maimed the cat a bit, lung

Another day reaches its close. The sunset was many hours ago, and I have concluded yet another day. I took care of all the business I could stand for one day! I will jump back into the jaws of stress in the mid-am...Hey, its hard to jump up at the crack of when you lie down at the crack of...lol. Besides, all that jumping, someone could get hurt...so I will just stroll out, and check my rearview mirrors for moving objects!! To all of my friends out there, I bid you goodnite, and hope that the morrow finds you all healthy, sucessfull and wise. Or at least awake! Lets just shoot for that now, and hope the rest follows:) I am off to the land of quiet, and the place of moving pictures...nice to have eyelids for the screen....was God thinking or what when He made us?

Ouestion? Has this ever happend to Anyone Else? You are in a grocery store, a shoe shop, or in the general vacinity of outside of your own home, in some kind of public place(and yes, there are people there!) and there YOU are, minding your own business...or if you are female you are minding your business, your husbands, your siblings, boyfriends, your mothers, your neighbors, your grocer's and anyone else's business that you have ever met, come into contact with, or happend to "hear" (gossip) about! But I digress, you are minding your business, and suddenly you are being asked questions about products or services at the public place by invariably,someone too stupid to figure out that what you are wearing in NO WAY resembles the uniform( which is butt ugly) of the people that DO acually work at the store! What is that about?! I have one of those open, friendly faces that looks remarkably like a piranah when pushed to the limmit of manners. So, I tell them, NO! I don

Strange Days. For those of you that care, I have not heard form the hubby (again!) today. If he doesn't call me in the AM my time tomorrow, I will have to put the Earth on Full Alert. This is not a pretty thing for me to do, and it is even less of a happy for him! He hates it when I panic( lets face it tho, he is in Iraq, so most probably, I am entitled!) For anyone who does not know, you should never worry about a BIG BAD MARINE! Yeah, Okay. Whatever Buddy. You should just be glad I have not parachuted my way to where you are, dropped down on you in the middle of chow, and said " How you Doin?" *Wink* *Wink*. I know people in scary places( Okay. Mostly my Mind, but that is a Scary Place!) and they will help a lil' Crazy Woman in her time of need. At least they will pretend too, which is really the same thing. Sorta. I will let you know if I maim anything in a effort to reach the phone in the AM and find his( so in trouble!) butt on it. For those of you who

A giant step( for me anyway) into the great big busy information superhighway....wireless internet service..yes, I am completley behind the times, but get off me! These incredible leaps into technology are scary and sometimes they take years to reach the area in which I live anyhow( at least affordably!) I have been to every site I could think of tonite just to see how fast it loads! ( insert insane laugh here) I love it. Plus it dosen't interfere with the monitor decvice for Mom, so double terrific reason to be crazy about it. By the Way Kreig, I am off to find the stuff you recommended I get ASAP. First I have a few(LOL!) things to take care of...minor things, like bills to pay, taxes to send off( holy crap did I end up owing!) phone calls to make, faxes to send, and packages of M&M's to send( see Conversations From Iraq for info on that!) So, I just wanted to let you all know that you will now be able to call me anytime with no fear of my being on the computer...an

Ships are something I am none too familiar with. I can vaguely recall having been on a ferry in Seattle when I was very small, and some kind of boat that a friend of my parents had(Bill for you Brother!) but I cannot honestly say if I like them or not. I have been a land lubber for most of my life, so I am kinda excited about the possibility of getting on a SHIP! I am trying to imagine what I think would be an awe-inspiring look at one of the huge ocean liners that cross the Atlantic....at least...I hope its an Ocean Liner, cause if its a small leaky raft, I know someone who is going to have some 'splannin' to do! I am exuberant, and am already picturing myself and Mom sunning up on deck, a cabana boy at hand, plenty of sun screen( as I tend to end up the shade of puce lobster when sun strikes my vampire like flesh!) and a cold beverage of some kind nearby, with ice melting. I am reading a book( yes, I am a geek!) and lounging peacefully...and suddenly I awake to the sound

Ok. I am going to explain what the usual and customary course of conversation with my Husband in Iraq consists of....for anyone who cares to know! Around 10 am the phone rings..not like it rings when just anyone calls, more like a Drill Instructor telling a newbie recruit to get with the program. I have no idea why this is how it goes, but i am sure some of you can figure out why this seems to make sense. I jump up, stop whatever I happen to be in the middle of, and usually try not to maim the Dogs, Mom, or more often, myself, in the mad and comic scramble to reach the phone. Which, by the way, is usually 9 million three hundred and 42 feet from wherever I happen to be when the summons comes in...Why is that?! Finally reaching the phone, clicking it on, and saying " hello!" with a snappy "Yes Sir" in my voice, I get the gentle tones of the love of my life....."Hi! Sunshine! Ahh....Payoff. From there it goes downhill rather quickly! I get the update on how