Assmembly Required Dating!
So I was out roaming the streets here, and let me tell you, its tourist season( does that mean I get to buy a tag?) Anyhow, I am out trolling( checking out the new influx of ignorants!) and I begin to notice a trend....Plastic Wemon! WTF? Let me tell you what I envision some poor guy going thru after meeting one of these synthetic chicks at the bar. To preface this upcoming scenario, let me just say, if you lived here, you would not think I was being presumptous in what happens next.
I imagine they go back to the local Motel, and get better aquainted( yes, in the biblical sense, these people are on vacation!) They get going, and the next am this poor piegon awakes expecting to see the slightly sleep blurred version of that heavenly looking Dame he took(home) last nite. Instead, he finds a nightmare staring him in the face!
Hanging drunkenly from the foot of the bed, bright red, and lustrous, but unattached to anything resembling a head is a hank of hair, still styled in the manner in which he first saw it, only then it was perched atop a lovley head( at this point, if it was even attached to a head, much less a body, he would feel less nausous)Starting to get the first trickle of fear inching its way down his spine, and beginning to sweat, he searches for the Lady he knows must be here somewhere.
On the pillow next to him, there is a smear of make-up so thick, he would later be unsure if Tammy Faye herself was with him last nite.
Leaping out of the bed, stumbling to the bathroom, he feels something drop off his flesh, turning to get a look at what this could be, he finds 4 tiny fingernails, the same color as the ones She had last nite, only these are floating on the brown carpet, not on the long elegant hands he held while dancing only hours ago. Heart hammering, sweating like an escaped prison victim, he lurches into the bathroom, and slams the door.
On shaky legs, head bent over the sink, trying to understand what is going on, he see's to his horror two catapiller-like objects lounging on the counter! Egads! They are eyelashes! Holy Crap! Sitting next to them is the body suit that kept the firm,supple flesh of the woman intact underneath the spandex-lycra dress she had on. WTF?
Breathe, he tells himself. Just Breathe. How much worse could it possibly get?! And then it gets worse. There on the floor, staring up at him like twin eyes of mocking reproach, are two lumps of flesh colored goo, that oddly, resemble breasts! But these have nothing attached either!
Panic kicks in overdrive, and he races out of the bathroom to get some clothes on and escape this tragic turn of events! Hauling ass thru the room, he gets to the door just in time to meet this Heavenly Creature entering the door with donuts and coffee.
She looks exactly like nothing he has ever seen! Wild tufts of mousy brown hair straggle around her face, falling into her eyes, that are not blue, but brown! Unadorned facial features are starkly uneven in tone, lumpy in texture, and murky in color! The body he couldn't get enough of last nite now resembles microwaved play-doh! , and the fabulous rack, well, its now just a shelf. Barely.
He runs screaming into the hall, pays for his room and tells his buddy not to ever mention he was there. Another dream turned to crap in the daylight!
Cruel of me, you say? Okay. Possibly. But a deeper question would be" When is enough, enough?" Should there be assmebly required in dating?! Is that where we are headed? Fake nails, wigs, body shapers, falsies, faux eye colors , and eyelashes, make up put on with industrial strength tools? Where does it end? And you bet its the guys I feel sorry for! With a guy, you get what you see, even if the content of his character turns into a frog, you pretty much get the goods that are being sold! Ladies, I am not saying you can't improve on what you got, or rather don't have; but lets not get into false advertising! I am not the best looking, hottest chick on the planet, by any strech, but pretty much what you see, well, I can gaurentee its all me, genetic defects and all. I have enough trouble figuring out people's minds, I dont need to figure out what species they are too!
I imagine they go back to the local Motel, and get better aquainted( yes, in the biblical sense, these people are on vacation!) They get going, and the next am this poor piegon awakes expecting to see the slightly sleep blurred version of that heavenly looking Dame he took(home) last nite. Instead, he finds a nightmare staring him in the face!
Hanging drunkenly from the foot of the bed, bright red, and lustrous, but unattached to anything resembling a head is a hank of hair, still styled in the manner in which he first saw it, only then it was perched atop a lovley head( at this point, if it was even attached to a head, much less a body, he would feel less nausous)Starting to get the first trickle of fear inching its way down his spine, and beginning to sweat, he searches for the Lady he knows must be here somewhere.
On the pillow next to him, there is a smear of make-up so thick, he would later be unsure if Tammy Faye herself was with him last nite.
Leaping out of the bed, stumbling to the bathroom, he feels something drop off his flesh, turning to get a look at what this could be, he finds 4 tiny fingernails, the same color as the ones She had last nite, only these are floating on the brown carpet, not on the long elegant hands he held while dancing only hours ago. Heart hammering, sweating like an escaped prison victim, he lurches into the bathroom, and slams the door.
On shaky legs, head bent over the sink, trying to understand what is going on, he see's to his horror two catapiller-like objects lounging on the counter! Egads! They are eyelashes! Holy Crap! Sitting next to them is the body suit that kept the firm,supple flesh of the woman intact underneath the spandex-lycra dress she had on. WTF?
Breathe, he tells himself. Just Breathe. How much worse could it possibly get?! And then it gets worse. There on the floor, staring up at him like twin eyes of mocking reproach, are two lumps of flesh colored goo, that oddly, resemble breasts! But these have nothing attached either!
Panic kicks in overdrive, and he races out of the bathroom to get some clothes on and escape this tragic turn of events! Hauling ass thru the room, he gets to the door just in time to meet this Heavenly Creature entering the door with donuts and coffee.
She looks exactly like nothing he has ever seen! Wild tufts of mousy brown hair straggle around her face, falling into her eyes, that are not blue, but brown! Unadorned facial features are starkly uneven in tone, lumpy in texture, and murky in color! The body he couldn't get enough of last nite now resembles microwaved play-doh! , and the fabulous rack, well, its now just a shelf. Barely.
He runs screaming into the hall, pays for his room and tells his buddy not to ever mention he was there. Another dream turned to crap in the daylight!
Cruel of me, you say? Okay. Possibly. But a deeper question would be" When is enough, enough?" Should there be assmebly required in dating?! Is that where we are headed? Fake nails, wigs, body shapers, falsies, faux eye colors , and eyelashes, make up put on with industrial strength tools? Where does it end? And you bet its the guys I feel sorry for! With a guy, you get what you see, even if the content of his character turns into a frog, you pretty much get the goods that are being sold! Ladies, I am not saying you can't improve on what you got, or rather don't have; but lets not get into false advertising! I am not the best looking, hottest chick on the planet, by any strech, but pretty much what you see, well, I can gaurentee its all me, genetic defects and all. I have enough trouble figuring out people's minds, I dont need to figure out what species they are too!
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