Navel Lint and Priceless Advice

As I sit here in the sanctuary of my Boudoir( shut up, its my lie) contemplating my naval lint, a question pops into the space between these great new earrings that The Lady gave me,( Thanks Woman!) and since this is where I force people to contemplate this crap, I thought I would spew it out and see what ya'll think.

How are we, as a species, supposed to balance Honesty with Tact?

You are going to overlook the complexity of this question, I know you are, so go back and read it again! GET OFF ME! Do it now,I will wait for you to catch up.....


Ok. So lets dive right in like we are wearing our thinking caps, and they aren't so small they're pinchin' off the circulation to our spinal cords. I was always impressed with the idea that Honesty is the best policy growing up, and I am sure the rest of you were too. Problem is, what is that fine line between honesty and tact really about? I mean, if your friend is wearing the most God awful outfit you have ever seen on a Human Being that is not in a coustume competition for the blind, and they ask you what you think; smiling in sicknin' exuberance and with the attitude that you will just LOVE IT, what the Hell are you supposed to say? No, really, I am asking. What do you say??!!

I seem to always screw this up, cause I actually tell them what I am thinking. Or, at least, my mouth opens, and words come out, fully formed in my head, but not "feelings checked" by the sensitivity software in my Brain, apparently, since they always look hurt, angered, or just tell me in words not appropriate here what an ass I am.

You know all that stuff you read about how when you are a friend you can tell each other anything? Let me spare you having to learn the hard way, as I did, that that is a load of Crapola. Some stupid insipid moron dreamed that up to make the rest of us look like complete jackasses. I am sure they( whomever they are) are laughing like hyena's to this day that we all bought this and treat it like gospel. Boy, are we stupid!

In an effort to do my civic and moral "goodie" for the day, let me tell you what you should ALWAYS say when faced with this situation. Here are some examples of what you WANT to say, and what you SHOULD say:

Question #1. Hey, do I look fat in this?

What you WANT to say: "Hell yes! Take that off and think camouflage, not If you got it, flaunt it!" And then you have to console them that no, they aren't fat, but in that outfit, you look fat. Exhausting.

What you SHOULD say: "Hell no! I am gonna kick that sales person's ass for giving you the wrong size. WTF were they thinking...here, try this of mine, and you will look HOT!" You may be lying, but at least you are, in reality, being a good supportive friend, and you have a better chance of actually continuing to HAVE them for a
friend.
Question#2. What am I doing Wrong?( as applied to dating)

What you may WANT to say: "Well, everything. Stop stalking that person, don't ask them what they think of your hypothetical kids' names,and don't ask them where the relationship is going on the first date while doodilin your name with theirs on the freakin' napkin in plain sight while texting them while they are still at the table with you while askin' them to look at that wart you haven't even discussed with me yet!"

Hello! People! No wonder men&Women runnin' screaming into traffic is on the rise nationally. Tone it down, get a damn grip and hide all your scary crap until you are legally entitled to share it. Get off ME!

What you Should say: "It's not you, it's Him or Her. You are warm,affectionate,open,honest,special,blah,blah,blah..."you can manage from here.

Stop laughin' this shit really happens! Ask anyone out there dating anyone with a pulse. But, I digress. You can't say what you want ever. You have to say all the crap that helps no one, but makes everyone feel better. Otherwise who the Fu** would get out of bed or put down the chocolate bar long enough to damage anyone's psyche?

I think you can take these two questions, and apply them to any situation you may face. LIE your ass off, keep your friends, and for god sakes be careful out there. Here are the Rules for Men and Women, according to Queenie( so don't, for crap sakes, take them as gospel!)

Wear Protective clothing. i.e. Men,a cup. Women,whatever you can find that allows you to run like hell, and still breathe.

Carry Mace. (This applies to guys and gals.)

Use fake names and throw away cell phones registered to someone in Uganda. NOT YOUR OWN! See rule number 2 for apply clause.

Don't take them to where you really live. Rent a house for dating purposes. Its cheaper, trust me.

If at any time they are in your house,cause you ignored the above rule, or bed, and say they will kill you, even in jest, run naked, screaming out of the house, and find a crowded place to be. Yes, you will get arrested, but you won't die. Bonus.

Do not get Drunk with this person unless you have a wing man or woman, designated ass saver, or a death wish.

If anyone ever asks you if they are fat, run screaming into traffic( naked is optional here) yes, you may get hit, arrested, or sprain something, but, really, is the alternative worth it? Not so Much.

Queenie. Lying Daily=Lots of Friends. *LOL*