GET OFF ME

Middle Age is not really an age. Nor is it a state of mind. Its more like a Jackass you meet in a waterin' hole that decides,despite your lack of eye contact, general attempts to avoid any and all contact, your frequent escapes to the bathroom, and running off to talk with other people you don't like either, but won't stalk you later, that you are interested and won't shut up, go away, listen when you try to end the conversation,follows you around, tries to become friends with your friends,all the while standin' there like a wart no one wants to mention,look at,or acknowledge. Or,its like a candy thief that claims they don't eat sweets and when yer not lookin',or expectin' it, they steal your chocolate and beat feet with the very thing that keeps you sane,out of prison, and from rippin' heads off chickens, mules, and diving into traffic! S.O.B! One day you are high, tight, supple,lean and have the skin that grows on babies asses, lines are only on p...

What happened to all the nice guys? The answer is simple: you did. See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you. At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too...

As I sit here in the sanctuary of my Boudoir( shut up, its my lie) contemplating my naval lint, a question pops into the space between these great new earrings that The Lady gave me,( Thanks Woman!) and since this is where I force people to contemplate this crap, I thought I would spew it out and see what ya'll think. How are we, as a species, supposed to balance Honesty with Tact? You are going to overlook the complexity of this question, I know you are, so go back and read it again! GET OFF ME! Do it now,I will wait for you to catch up..... Ok. So lets dive right in like we are wearing our thinking caps, and they aren't so small they're pinchin' off the circulation to our spinal cords. I was always impressed with the idea that Honesty is the best policy growing up, and I am sure the rest of you were too. Problem is, what is that fine line between honesty and tact really about? I mean, if your friend is wearing the most God awful outfit you have ever seen on a Human Be...

Ok, most of you know by now that I got wires on my teeth this year. Yep, went down to the Tooth Sadist and had em applied. WTF was I thinkin'?! We may never know. Let me jest say that I have never hurt so much in one area of my body in my life( I don't have kids, so shut it!) The only good thing to come out of this so far is that I have lost 15 pounds of blubber, and that is merely cause I can't eat squat! Soup rations are about the most I can stomach so its a good thing I like it. The worst part about em' is that jest when you get "used" to em',which is a term I use loosely, they put all new wires in, and come up with other tortures to inflict upon yer poor mouth! They're called rubber bands. This jest makes me want to duct tape my Tooth Sadist to the wagon, give Lucy and Stickers some crack and let them haul him all over the countryside buck naked with his hair on fire covered in bear grease. Amok! Amok! Amok! I now own the manufactures of dental wax...

Wherever I go, I have something to say to any and everyone who will,or will be forced, to listen. This is part of my Southern charm,and part of my loud, extroverted sassy mouth. I LOVE THIS ABOUT ME! So do ya'll so shut it! However, since I live in Whoville,for now, there are people who find this either offensive, annoying, or just wrong. Tough shit! How can you people( Whovilliagers)deal with how boring and mad you are all the freakin' time! I find that most folks today have this horrible habit of leaving their houses, bringing with them,a huge elephant,traveling on their shoulders comprised of all of their bad moods, bitchy personalities and whatever else they are pissed off about from breakfast that morning. Eat some freaking chocolate and GET OVER IT PEOPLE! If I want to deal with jerks, I'll go to the damn post office, as there are plenty for the pluckin' there. Ass%$#&*! Its really ok to be friendly, happy, outgoing and even perky in public. I love a good ...