GET OFF ME

There I was. Sitting in the living room, stroking the woofers, hanging out contemplating my naval lint, minding my own business, when a huge crash was heard! I checked my pants, jumped up in a flurry of terror, clutched at the dogs, and maimed the cat, who was now happily residing on the ceiling fan. No, I do not make this up. The noise was a woman riding a cydermocle( no, its not a broom guys!) She came charging forward at mock eighty with her hair on fire, and this crazy gleam in her eyes! I crawled under the dog. I didn't fit. Damn it! I stood up to face the nightmare that was about to reign down on my head. Furniture Moving! Now, I am a Woman( at least in theory) and even I fail to understand why a perfectly good arrangement of furniture must be moved with the regularity of a Fiber dose! WTF is wrong with leaving it where you put it? I can't figure that out. I don't even want to, if I did I might get sucked into the Phycosis. The couch went one way, the cat fell...

This makes me laugh; insanely!,gives a nod to the incredible opportunities some of us missed out on when we were children, and just plain suits my sick sense of humor! Simple Pleasures are often the best, but add some warped-ness, and its just the best!

Well! I've got the Wagon all lubed up, the mules are fed, watered, cussed at and rearing to go! This Sunday we head out on a cross country trip to the BIG CITY! Should be full of craziness and hesterical acts of comedy....if not, were not doing it right! The weather report is talking about snow, and Sunday being the worst day of all, which is just typical of any outing I go on, planned or not. Figures! Mom and I are headed to see the sawbones and find out what lies in store. Should have some fun visiting the Brother, and might get to go shopping if the mules don't crap out too soon! Got a room at the local trail's end, so we wont have to camp jack it. Whew! Hate doing that in bad weather, so works for me. The Husband is still toiling away in the "Land of Sand" and its getting hotter by the second! Suprised it dosent just melt right off the face of the earth! Forget scuds, just don't send any rain! LOL! Spirits are high, moral is good, and we have p...

Ever have one of those days where Murphy is perched on your shoulder from the moment you wake up? You know what I mean. You get up, you have to run for the bathroom like a horse that came in last, you can't find the Tea you like , or you run out? The phone rings too early( never call anyone without written permission in blood before 9am!) and you can't assimilate if the caller is a real call, or some stupid telamarketer that you can ignore? So you hang up and your best friend calls back to tell you what a jerk you are? You stub your toe on the end of the bed, cuss like a Cat that just had braces put on? You find your favorite slippers in the dogs bowl( you don't even want to know how that happened!) You go to get a drink of water and spill it down your front? You step outside and your newly erected, super whiz bang, cost a small fortune, and no you didn't keep the receipt!, gazeebo is smooshed like a peice of gum under a shoe made of concrete, on a hot day in July...

Just thought I would take a moment to let ya'll know that the much needed and eagerly awaited M&M's arrived the other day. NO! They did not melt. So all is right with the world. Sanity has returned to the land of sand. Temperatures are now in the stratusphere of hot, and its been like working on the face of the sun. The M&M's are being kept in the icebox for a good reason. I have nothing else to talk about. Slow news week. Dissapointing, or a relief, depending on how you feel about the rest of the crap posted here. My Wagon needs an oil change, and probably a lube. Or I could just feed that damn Mule! Anyway, my best to all of my Diciples. Better stories in the near future...I hope!

Hitch up the Wagons, pack up the mules and lets head out on another adventure! So I am just hanging out checking my rearview for moving objects today, and low and behold!, something jumps out in my line of sight. Crap! So enough about my driving, on to other trails. Has anyone else ever gone dumpster diving? Come on, I know I am not alone in this sport. See, that's how I view it. My mother likes to call it recycling, and Salvaging. I call it what it is...dumpster diving! Now, to truly apprecieate this particular sport, you have to know the rules. Rule # 1. Scoping out the treasure! This is usually done on the sly, in broad daylight. I don't necessarily go looking for this stuff( get off me, I DON"T!) but I seem to have some kind of genetic homing beacon built in that causes me to have to stop and look. So I see what I want, this time its a dresser. One of those kids type ones that is just the perfect size to hold more cracked treasures than any reasonable person s...

So I was out roaming the streets here, and let me tell you, its tourist season( does that mean I get to buy a tag?) Anyhow, I am out trolling( checking out the new influx of ignorants!) and I begin to notice a trend....Plastic Wemon! WTF? Let me tell you what I envision some poor guy going thru after meeting one of these synthetic chicks at the bar. To preface this upcoming scenario, let me just say, if you lived here, you would not think I was being presumptous in what happens next. I imagine they go back to the local Motel, and get better aquainted( yes, in the biblical sense, these people are on vacation!) They get going, and the next am this poor piegon awakes expecting to see the slightly sleep blurred version of that heavenly looking Dame he took(home) last nite. Instead, he finds a nightmare staring him in the face! Hanging drunkenly from the foot of the bed, bright red, and lustrous, but unattached to anything resembling a head is a hank of hair, still styled in the manner...

Oh, The Land of Sand is a Mighty Land, A Mighty Land! You can see the Sun from miles away, away. Cause its on your ass all the live long day...! Oh, The Land of Sand is a Mighty Land, a Mighty Land! Where the bullets rip, and the Camels spit! Its A Mighty Land of Sand! I miss my Family, I miss my Home, I miss air conditioning, long hot showers, and beds not made of foam! Oh The Mighty Land of Sand, The Mighty Land of Sand! I miss my dog, and the rolling in of Fog! I miss my house, I miss getting soused! Oh, The Land of Sand! Its a Mighty Land! I miss fabric softner, and dryer sheets, I am tired of using sandpaper to shave, and I wish these people would just behave! I had lobster for dinner four nights this week, and if it wasn't rubber, my criteria it would meet! Oh,The Land of Sand! Oh, The Land of Sand! I'd go shopping, but I hate base hopping! I'd carry a gun, but I dont have too, cause the locals, they are on the run! I'd go dancing, act stupid and be prancing, bu...

Spring had Sprung! Its the time of renewal, rebirth, and just regular birth! The Weather is warm, the animals are frolicking, and color is bursting forth wherever you look. Along with this comes warm weather( and for some, allergies...Sorry!) and time change. ICK! I hate that part. I just got used to the last one. Now I will spend the next several weeks not knowing weather I am coming, going or just insane( no comments about that please). I love Spring, maninly cause Summer! Follows, but I could really do without having to learn a new routine along with the time of day or night. Can't we just leave anything alone?! Apparently not. So I will lolly gag about the bed until it feels like its about 8am, and then I will look at the clock, realize that it is already 9am! and leap up as though on fire, rush thru my shower, make crappy coffee, burn my toast, and slosh the damn liquid all over the place in an effort to hurry. This is exactly the kind of way everyone should begin th...

I came to a screeching halt in the front yard. I narrowly missed the mailbox, the planter full of ickies, and the fence. Bessie had done it again. Yep. She bucked me right off! I did what any Cowgirl worth her salt would. I cussed like a sailor, rubbed the part of my anatomy that hurt the worst(not my pride) and pouted that there was no man around to drive the beast for me. I left Bessie cooling her heels among the ickies( eating them most likely) and lurched my sore butt into the house. I needed pain releiver, and the bottle of Beam was handiest. I had just gotten the ice where it was most needed(the glass) and sat my aching butt down when the damn phone rang! The phone was ringing...but in a funny kind of way. Demanding. Barking almost. Wait a minute...Could that be? Dare I hope? GOD? Is that you? Nope. HE would already know about my sore butt, and would have pity. It was Iraq Calling! I swerved into on-coming traffic, narrowly missed the dog, maimed the cat a bit, lung...